While on hold, I found myself whistling along to a dentist chair version of "Muskrat Love" by "The Captain & Tenille" as I gathered up the magazines scattered about. The music ended abruptly just as "The Captain" was about to go into his keyboard solo. "Sorry about that, anyway, like I was saying, I've been messing with this Blazer all weekend. " He went on to explain that he had just hired a new trainee. The kid was just doing a regular oil change, when he noticed that the pan gasket on the trans was leaking a little. He told Bennie that he used to work in a trans shop, and he could do a trans service, no problem. "The thing drove fine when it came in" Bennie said, "but now, the check engine light is on, and it won't shift". Just out of curiosity, I asked, "This new kid, his name wouldn't happen to be Tommy, would it ?" "Yeah, why ?" "Oh....... No reason." Bennie continued, "anyway, I figured the kid must have busted the solenoids when he pulled the pan, so I got a new set on Saturday, and put'em in, but the thing still wouldn't shift". 
"I checked the computer, there ain't no codes" he said. "I don't know what's wrong, I told the guy to drop it off by you." "I gotta go next door for a while, let me know what you come up with, all right". 

Good old Bennie. Everybody's heard of "Back Yard Bennie" Bennie was known for having the cheapest prices around. You've probably seen him on those late night Cable TV commercials. You know, "Are you tired of paying high prices for auto repairs ? Call Back Yard Bennie's, his prices can't be beat ". I've always loved his slogan. "If we can't fix it cheaper than any legitimate auto repair shop........you can take us to court ". Ironically, the corresponding letters of his phone number spell out the words "SO SUE ME". Go figure. Despite his reputation, Back Yard Bennie was actually a fairly good technician. He's been around for a long time, and he knows most of the tricks of the trade. He attends most of the technical seminars, and about a year ago, he finally broke down and bought a scan tool. Bennie also holds the local record for the most appearances in small claims court in a 72 hour period. In fact, he's been in and out of court so much that he's relocated most of his shops, just to save travel time. He should probably use it in his advertising, you know something like, "Come to Back Yard Bennies, located next to a courthouse near you". 

Gently massaging my tender shin, I took a moment to sit down and play back the messages on my answering machine. There was only one, it was from the owner of the Blazer. Basically, he said that Bennie screwed his truck up, he dropped it off late Sunday night, and the key was in the ashtray. He never left his name or number, he just said he'd give me a call Monday. 

The key might very well have been in the ash tray, the only problem was, the doors were locked, and I never was very good with a Slim Jim. I called Bennie to see if he knew how I could get in touch with the owner of the vehicle to see if he had another set of keys, but I got no answer. What was I thinking,, it wasn't even 8:30 yet. He wouldn't be back from court till at least two. This Blazer was parked right in the middle of my driveway, and it was blocking two of my bay doors. My day was not off to a good start. About an hour or so later, I called Bennie again. The phone rang about six or seven times, I was just about to hang up when the phone was answered. It was one of the guys that works for Bennie, I think his name is Willie. His voice was gruff, and it sounded like he was a little out of breath as he barked, "Bennies........hold on a minute". Even though he put his hand over the receiver, I could still hear him, slightly muffled, as he yelled "Tommy, will you take those damn headphones off". Then he took his hand away and said "Can I help you ? " I explained the situation to Willie, but he didn't seem to know anything about it. He said he hasn't been in work the last few days, but when I described the Blazer to him he said "Yeah, Yeah, the one with that killer stereo, it's like a thousand watts". Then he told me that there was another set of keys wired up under the rear bumper. "That guy's always locking his keys inside, and oh yeah" Willie said, "Be careful when you start it up, if he had that stereo cranked up loud when he turned it off, it'll blast your ear drums right out". 

Things were beginning to look up. There was a spare set of keys under the bumper, the rain had stopped, the sun was shining, and the pain in my leg was almost completely gone. What a relief. I quickly retrieved the keys and hopped in. I was just about to turn the key on, when I glanced into the rear view mirror and was reminded of Willie's words of warning. "It's like a thousand watts ". I turned to see that the back seat had been removed, and in its place was an enormous wall of speakers. There were woofers and tweeters, with bass reflex and horns, and these two huge bazooka shaped things that I was later told were sub woofers. What the hell is a sub woofer? Evidentially, these devices produce ultra low frequency bass tones inaudible to the human ear. You can't actually hear the bass, you just FEEL it. Provided with enough power, a properly aimed sub woofer is surely capable of rupturing a kidney, or a spleen. I reached over and sure enough, the volume was to the max. Not taking any chances, I turned the knob counter clockwise until it clicked, started up the truck, and headed out for a road test. 

Just like Bennie said, the trans wouldn't shift. It was sluggish from a stop, like it was stuck in limp mode, and after a minute or two, the "Check Engine Light" came on, and stayed on. He said there were no codes, but experience has taught me, when confronted with a problem job such as this, never rely on the diagnosis of other technicians. Especially if they were unable to pinpoint the problem. As I made my way back to the shop, my mind was racing with a plethora of possibilities that could have prompted this peculiar problem. 

Recognizing the oddly shaped diagnostic connector under the dash, I considered the possibility that Transmission Man's arch enemy Obie Dee Too was up to his old tricks. But the rein of terror caused by his useless generic parameters was halted with the introduction of Enhanced OBDII Data Stream. My scan tool confirmed that there were no codes present. On the road, it still felt like it was starting out in 3rd, no upshifts or downshifts, but strangely enough, the computer was commanding the shift solenoids on and off in the proper order, right up until the check engine light came on and it indicated limp mode. 

But Bennie said the solenoids were broken to start with. Had Tommy the Trainee been recruited by the demented Simon D. Solenoid? Was he deliberately sabotaging unsuspecting sensors by order of the come back commander himself? Nah......he was probably just too lazy to pull the cross member out of the way before he pryed the pan down. On the other hand, Bennie could have pinched a wire when he replaced the solenoids, or maybe it was just a bad connection. There wasn't enough room for me to get to the pins on the case connector to get an ohms reading, so the easiest way to find out for sure, would be to pull the pan. That proved to be a waste of time. All the wires looked OK, and the solenoids bench tested fine. It came as no surprise when I still felt no upshift as I ran it up on the lift. I Hung my head over the steering wheel and gazed into the dark digital dash. This was no ordinary electronic problem, this was obviously some sort of evil conspiracy, the likes of which no man has ever seen. My worst fears were about to become reality. Simon D. Solenoid, and the dreaded ObieDeeToo, the two most devious and loathsome transmission terrorists of all time have joined forces to destroy the auto repair industry as we know it. Oh the humanity. If only Transmission Man were here. 

I glanced over at the Tranny Beam in the corner of the shop, now corroded and covered with cobwebs. I hadn't fired it up since Transmission Man was committed. Imprisoned deep in the bowels of some interstellar sanitarium, he couldn't even see the light of day let alone the light from the Tranny Beam. But just as I thought things were at their worst, I saw a vision. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Deep inside the darkened dash, I could see the fuzzy features of a face. I could barely make it out. There was no body, just a head, and a face, surrounded by smoke and clouds. It was a familiar face, and as it drew clearer, I could see that it was the face of .....yes, Transmission Man. My prayers were answered. Guiding me through some sort of alien astral projection, I leaned closer and listened intently. In a deep ghostly voice it said simply, "When you hear it, it will shift". Then as mysteriously as it appeared, the vision was gone. 

That's it ? When you hear it, it will shift. What the hell did he mean by that? Then glancing in the rear view mirror at the awesome array of audio attachments, it hit me. The answer must have something to do with this stereo system. Remembering Willie's warning words, I carefully turned the knob, and raised the volume, but I heard nothing. Maybe the key has to be on. Still nothing. There must be a blown fuse. Checking the fuse box, I could see that this truck was an electricians nightmare. There were all sorts of wires jammed into various fuses, one of which just happened to be labeled "Trans". I had thought about the fuses early on, but quickly dismissed the idea when there were "no codes", and I saw the solenoids being commanded on and off through my scan tool. The ECM was doing its job. What I didn't consider, was the fact that Trans Fuse # 24 protects the circuits for the electronics actually on or inside the trans itself. Sure, the "Check Engine Light" was on, but the ECM couldn't report a gear ratio error, or any type of trans code for that matter, because the whole circuit was dead. When I replaced the fuse and started the truck up, not only did the trans shift, but for the first time, as I moved the shifter, I could see a bright orange "P", "R", "N" , "D" and so on, in the area of the dash that was previously dark. The absence of these illuminated letters is a dead give away that the # 24 Trans Fuse is bad. I guess sometimes I get so caught up in the complex world of auto electronics, that I tend to over look the obvious. All that stuff about an evil conspiracy was just my over active imagination running wild. Silly me. 

Stay tuned next time when our hero, and his new side kick, bust out of their pathetic padded prisons. Who, combining their automotive aptitudes, form a "Diagnostic Duo" feared by their foes throughout all the known world, in the next spine tingling episode of "The Adventures of Transmission Man"