Episode # 4 (Rejected Due to Content) 
The Adventures of Transmission Man 
By Bob Alfano - Copyright 1998 

It was Monday morning, the phone was ringing as I hurried to unlock the front door. Scrambling through the waiting room and into the office, I managed to get to the phone just in time to hear "click" as the caller hung up. I examined the bruise on my shin which was already beginning to change color and swell. I must have whacked it when I tripped over the magazine rack, the contents of which was now scattered around the room. The answering machine was blinking, but before I got a chance to play back the messages, the phone rang again. It was Larry from "Lush n Lube", the areas first and only drive through Quick Lube, Bar & Grill. Larry offers his customers the convenience of having a Burger, a Beer and an Oil Change, all without leaving the comfort of your car. He said he was sending over a 96 Chevy Blazer that belongs to one of his regulars. "This guy loves to blast his stereo while we're working under his car, you should hear this thing, it's like a thousand watts". "Yeah", he said. "He's an annoying little man, but he drinks like a fish, and he's a good tipper, so we don't mind". Larry went on to explain that the guy came in Friday night just before closing, he pulled onto the end lift and ordered two shots of Tequila , a Tuna Club, and a Trans Service. Larry said that his new mechanic had some trouble getting the pan off, and he must have screwed something up, because when he got done, the trans wouldn't shift and the "Check Engine Light " was on. Larry talked the guy into letting him keep the car overnight, and wound up driving him home. Which was probably for the best, after all, this guy was pretty wasted, and if he ever lost his license for drunk driving, Larry could stand to lose a bundle. I could hear a phone ringing in the back round, as he apologized "I know, I know, I should have called you first, but Bennie said he'd fix it if I took it off his tab, and.......hold on a minute, let me get that other line". While on hold, I found myself whistling along to a dentist chair version of "Muskrat Love" by "The Captain & Tenille" as I gathered up the magazines scattered about. The music ended abruptly just as "The Captain" was about to go into his keyboard solo. "Sorry about that, anyway, like I was saying, Bennie has been messing with that Blazer all weekend and it still won't shift. I told him to drop it off by you". I asked Larry if he knew what Bennie had already done to the truck., but he said "I don't know, Bennie said something about the computer and the sensors, why don't you give Bennie a call". 

Sure, I'll give Bennie a call. Good old "Back Yard Bennie" , bartering for his bar tab. Bennie was known for having the cheapest prices around. You've probably seen him on those late night Cable TV commercials. You know, "Are you tired of paying high prices for auto repairs ? Call Back Yard Bennie's, 767-8363, that number again 767-8363, his prices can't be beat ". I've always loved his slogan. "If we can't fix it cheaper than any legitimate auto repair shop........you can take us to court ". Ironically, the corresponding letters of his phone number spell out the words "SO SUE ME". Go figure. 

Gently massaging my tender shin, I took a moment to sit down and play back the messages on my answering machine. There was only one, and needless to say, it was Bennie. "Yeah, uhh..... this is Bennie, you know, down the street. Looks like Tommy the Trainee is working over at Lush n Lube now. He busted up another set of solenoids". Despite his reputation, Back Yard Bennie was actually a fairly good technician. He's been around for a long time, and he knows most of the tricks of the trade. He finally broke down and bought a scan tool about a year ago, and after all, he does attend all the technical seminars. Of course he doesn't really get going until after we wake him up to go to the bar for lunch. In fact, on several occasions, they actually had to escort him out of the room for heckling the guest speaker. And one year, he was so hung over, he passed out in the mens room during morning break. But after he had a little chicken with roasted potatoes and green beans, he was just fine. Anyway, the rest of Bennie's message basically said that he replaced both broken shift solenoids, but the Blazer still wouldn't shift. It was in limp mode, and there were no codes. "I don't know what's wrong with this thing" he said, "I'm gonna leave it in your lot, the key'll be in the ash tray. 

The key might very well have been in the ash tray, the only problem was, the doors were locked, and I never was very good with a Slim Jim. I called Bennie to see if he knew how I could get in touch with the owner of the vehicle to see if he had another set of keys, but I got no answer. What was I thinking, it wasn't even 8:30 yet. He wouldn't be back from court till at least two. I was not having a good day. This Blazer was parked right in the middle of my driveway, and it was blocking two of my bay doors. Luckily, Larry over at the Lush n Lube told me that the guy had another set of keys wired up under the rear bumper. "That guy's always locking his keys inside, and oh yeah" Larry Said, "Be careful when you start it up, if he had that stereo cranked up loud when he turned it off, it'll blast your ear drums out". 

Things were beginning to look up. There was a spare set of keys under the bumper, the rain had stopped, the sun was shining, and the pain in my leg was almost completely gone. What a relief. I quickly retrieved the keys and hopped in. I was just about to turn the key on, when I glanced into the rear view mirror and was reminded of Larry's words of warning. "It's like a thousand watts ". I turned to see that the back seat had been removed, and in its place was an enormous wall of speakers. There were woofers and tweeters, with bass reflex and horns, and these two huge bazooka shaped things that I was later told were sub woofers. What the hell is a sub woofer? Evidentially, these devices produce ultra low frequency bass tones inaudible to the human ear. You can't actually hear the bass, you just FEEL it. Provided with enough power, a properly aimed sub woofer is surely capable of rupturing a kidney, or a spleen. I reached over and sure enough, the volume was to the max. Not taking any chances, I turned the knob counter clockwise until it clicked, started up the truck, and headed out for a road test. 

Just like Bennie said, the trans wouldn't shift. It was sluggish from a stop, like it was stuck in limp mode, and after a minute or two, the "Check Engine Light" came on, and stayed on. He said there were no codes, but experience has taught me, when confronted with a problem job such as this, never rely on the diagnosis of other technicians. Especially if they were unable to pinpoint the problem. As I made my way back to the shop, my mind was racing with a plethora of possibilities that could have prompted this peculiar problem. 

Recognizing the oddly shaped diagnostic connector under the dash, I considered the possibility that Transmission Man's arch enemy Obie Dee Too was up to his old tricks. But the rein of terror caused by his useless generic parameters was halted with the introduction of Enhanced OBDII Data Stream. My scan tool confirmed that there were no codes present. On the road, it still felt like it was starting out in 3rd, no upshifts or downshifts, but strangely enough, the computer was commanding the shift solenoids on and off in the proper order, right up until the check engine light came on and it indicated limp mode. 

But Bennie said the solenoids were broken to start with. Had Tommy the Trainee been recruited by the demented Simon D. Solenoid? Was he deliberately sabotaging unsuspecting sensors by order of the come back commander himself? Nah......he was probably just too lazy to pull the cross member out of the way before he pryed the pan down. On the other hand, Bennie could have pinched a wire when he replaced the solenoids, or maybe it was just a bad connection. There wasn't enough room for me to get to the pins on the case connector to get an ohms reading, so the easiest way to find out for sure, would be to pull the pan. That proved to be a waste of time. All the wires looked OK, and the solenoids bench tested fine. It came as no surprise when I still felt no upshift as I ran it up on the lift. I Hung my head over the steering wheel and gazed into the dark digital dash. This was no ordinary electronic problem, this was obviously some sort of evil conspiracy, the likes of which no man has ever seen. My worst fears were about to become reality. Simon D. Solenoid, and the dreaded ObieDeeToo, the two most devious and loathsome transmission terrorists of all time have joined forces to destroy the auto repair industry as we know it. Oh the humanity. If only Transmission Man were here. 

I glanced over at the Tranny Beam in the corner of the shop, now corroded and covered with cobwebs. I hadn't fired it up since Transmission Man was committed. Enprisoned deep in the bowels of some interstellar sanitarium, he couldn't even see the light of day let alone the light from the Tranny Beam. But just as I thought things were at their worst, I saw a vision. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Deep inside the darkened dash, I could see the fuzzy features of a face. I could barely make it out. There was no body, just a head, and a face, surrounded by smoke and clouds. It was a familiar face, and as it drew clearer, I could see that it was the face of .....yes, Transmission Man. My prayers were answered. Guiding me through some sort of alien astral projection, I leaned closer and listened intently. In a deep ghostly voice it said simply, "When you hear it, it will shift". Then as mysteriously as it appeared, the vision was gone. 

That's it ? When you hear it, it will shift. What the hell did he mean by that? Then glancing in the rear view mirror at the awesome array of audio attachments, it hit me. The answer must have something to do with this stereo system. Remembering Lush n Lube Larry's warning words, I carefully turned the knob, and raised the volume, but I heard nothing. Maybe the key has to be on. Still nothing. There must be a blown fuse. Checking the fuse box, I could see that this truck was an electricians nightmare. There were all sorts of wires jammed into various fuses, one of which just happened to be labeled "Trans". I had thought about the fuses early on, but quickly dismissed the idea when there were "no codes", and I saw the solenoids being commanded on and off through my scan tool. The ECM was doing its job. What I didn't consider, was the fact that Trans Fuse # 24 protects the circuits for the electronics actually on or inside the trans itself. Sure, the "Check Engine Light" was on, but the ECM couldn't report a gear ratio error, or any type of trans code for that matter, because the whole circuit was dead. When I replaced the fuse and started the truck up, not only did the trans shift, but for the first time, as I moved the shifter, I could see a bright orange "P", "R", "N" , "D" and so on, in the area of the dash that was previously dark. The absence of these illuminated letters is a dead give away that the # 24 Trans Fuse is bad. I guess sometimes I get so caught up in the complex world of auto electronics, that I tend to over look the obvious. All that stuff about an evil conspiracy was just my over active imagination running wild. Silly me. 

Stay tuned next time when our hero, and his new side kick, bust out of their pathetic padded prisons. Who, combining their automotive aptitudes, form a "Diagnostic Duo" feared by their foes throughout all the known world, in the next spine tingling episode of "The Adventures of Transmission Man"